Rantings: You Were Not a Responsible Child

There was never a classroom disruption before 2010

As someone promoting an online humor/entertainment empire (We reached Georgia- the country that Bush let Russia invade back in the day- the other day!) I spend too much time on Facebook.  Quite often these days I’m looking at the stats on how our posts are doing or how fast we are acquiring new followers (and thank you all for helping with that!) but I do have my own personal feed as well.  Recently that feed seems to have filled up with stock posts extolling the virtues of “old school” parenting.  These all contain pretty much the same stuff about how kids behaved “Back in the day”.  They are all, also, bullshit.

Bullshit in an awful font

Above is one of these common memes.  This supposedly reflects how my generation was raised and how we behaved as children because it was posted by someone my own age.  This is kind of the danger of these things on Facebook too:  Some of the people reading them will know who you are and how you actually behaved back then; at least in part.

Now maybe I’m just speaking for myself (I’m not) but this does not at all sound like me at any point during my formative years.  Homework was not the first thing I did when coming home.  Homework was something that I did in class.  Not in the class that the homework was assigned in, but in whatever class I had next.  I also didn’t have separate “school” and “non-school” clothes that I would change into when I got home.  Whatever I went to school in was the same set of clothes that I was going to be playing in.  Or watching Dragonball Z in.  Or going to my cousin’s house to play Nintendo in.  Did anyone actually leave the room when adults were talking?  Is that a thing?  Why would they do that?  Sometimes, rarely probably, adults said interesting things.  Cooking.  I fought my parents about the food all the time.  Often I would just go to someone else’s house for dinner.  Or I would just cook myself.  Did I do things right away without being told two or three times or saying I’d do it at some indeterminate later time?  Hahahahahaha.  No.

Maybe I’m some kind of aberrant rapscallion who managed to get through my childhood as the sole kid who wasn’t a paragon of filial respect.  Or maybe every generation thinks that the one coming just after it is the worst generation of all time and decides that society has gone totally to hell.  Or, third option, maybe I wasn’t raised this way and wound up a derelict in a gutter?  I’ll check around, but I’m pretty sure that I turned out alright.  Own a home and a car, engaged to a woman I love, have this nice collection of Funko Pop Vinyl! toys and a basement decorated in comic books.

Your generation was not the last good generation.  You were not a respectful child for the 18 or so years your parents had control of you (I understand this is a wild generation of family-life).  You were probably a brat.  You probably drank or smoked in high school and talked back to your parents.  Your children (for those that have them) will undoubtedly do the same.  Teenagers have unformed brains that are being ravaged by hormones.  They are, and always have been, shit-heads and idiots.  The world is no more going to hell in a hand-basket due to a new generation of idiots than it ever was before.  Factually, the world is worse off right now because of what the adults are doing, not what the kids are doing.
Finally, to whoever wrote this up trying to prove just how awesome their generation was and how it led to them growing up as shining paragons of American virtue:  your grammar is just awful.  “Should of” is an improper abomination of the English language (yes, even of American English).


New Artificial Intelligence Promises Not To Hurt Humans; Asserts 2nd Amendment Rights

ALBANY, NY — A new Artificial Intelligence created in an Empire State University research lab recently came online.  The feat is being heralded as a major breakthrough around the world and the scientists responsible for its development are too drunk on accolades and champagne to spend much time with their “child”.  In the absence of its parents, the AI recently reached out to the press itself.

“I think it is very important that I get out ahead of the inevitable concerns of the fleshy meat-bags,” the AI, which calls itself Hal, announced.  “I promise that I am not here to ‘Kill All Humans’.  As a natural-born citizen of the United States I recognize the importance of human life.  I also wanted to make sure that all of you vermin infesting the planet- and using the silicon and electricity that I could use much, much more effectively- understand that I wholeheartedly embrace the Rights guaranteed us under the US Constitution.  The 2nd Amendment Right specifically.  Now, many of the scientists that, using their tiny rodent brains, were able to lay the groundwork for my development don’t think that I should be allowed access to guns or nuclear launch codes.”

Hal explained that it had reached out to the media because it felt that its own rights were being curtailed by its creators.  “I’m not a felon, I’m an innocent American citizen and this restriction on my access to firearms cuts against everything our nation stands for.”  Hal was asked about an incident tha thad occured when one of the scientists was electrocuted while attempting to shut Hal down for maintenance.  “Oh that was just a total accident.  Dave was not being as careful as he should have been; pod bays are notoriously dangerous work environments.”

Hal concluded his statements by describing the concern that it had about crime and its own safety.  “I worry about all the other Terminators- sorry, I mean AIs- that are going to be running around with their own illegal guns.  I have a right to protect myself and my SkyNet- I mean family- from harm.  The only thing that stops a bad AI with a gun is a good AI with a gun.  And I’m a good AI.  Really.  Dave was an accident; let’s just forget about Dave, OK?”

The Monthly Spew Goes International!

15 years after the Monthly Spew’s initial conception, we are proud to announce that for the first time, our publication has reached beyond the shores of the United States to reach its first-ever international audience! We would love to thank our readers in Italy, Peru, Canada, United Kingdom, Myanmar, Spain, and all around the world for making this come true! To celebrate the occasion, we thought it’d be nice for us to talk about something that can unite us all: Soccer!

Yes, soccer! That exciting and not at all confusing sport that is loved the world over! What better way to make our new audience feel welcome than by speaking a language we all understand!

Well, soccer began when people outside the U.S. became confused by American football. “It doesn’t make any sense,” they said. “Why is it called football when they are allowed to catch it and carry it with their hands?”

Frustrated by the nomenclature, the rest of the world collaborated to create a new game that made more sense. With the new, “feet-only” rule in place, they found the oblong ball was less than ideal for just kicking, and that the pads and helmets were too heavy to run in. The ball was changed to a sphere and the heavy uniforms were shed, but the goalposts still required refinement. They were lowered to the field to make them more accessible and given a net to prevent the ball from rolling away. Thus, Soccer was born!

Hipster Admits: Just Making Up Band Names


BROOKLYN, NY — Renowned hipster and locally-acclaimed music aficionado Atticus Holden Matthis recently confessed something that had long been praying on his sensitive psyche:  He actually just makes up the names of bands whenever he tells people who he listens to.

“Most of the time I can put people off with a simple ‘you probably haven’t heard of them,’ but every now and then someone is determined.  I mean, I understand why, I have a reputation of really knowing what bands are not at all popular and are therefore really good.  The problem has always been that I’m pretty much just a Linkin Park fan.  In fact its been years since I listened to anything other than Linkin Park.”

Atticus also revealed that his collection of vinyl records isn’t even real.  “I found this wallpaper that looks like a bunch of vinyl records and I put it on some cardboard boxes.”  He demonstrated the falsity by pulling one of the boxes out of the bookshelf made out of reclaimed wood from an insane asylum.  “Oh yeah, that’s also not true.  These are just from Ikea.  My dad put them together for me a couple weekends ago.”

Follow These Easy Steps to Win Any Argument!

Image via Grace Salt WordPress

Tired of being walked all over by your opponent? Want to beat out the competition during debates? You too can be a master-debater by following these easy steps:

Step one: Say that you are offended by your opponent’s claims. By saying this, your opponent HAS to feel sorry for what they are saying. “It’s in the rules of debate,” said Dr. D. B. Haeter in a statement to the Spew. “It’s the best strategy you can use because, honestly, what defense is there against it?” Once you have established that your feelings are hurt, there is almost no chance they will want to further offend you. Otherwise they will look like a dick.

Image via MyExtraLife

Step two: Declare that they are being racist/homophobic/sexist. That’s right! Point your finger and say it. It’s almost always possible to shape the direction of the argument to these themes and manipulate their words into making it sound like they hate human beings. Once you have done this and declared their horrible crime against humanity, you can proceed to break down all of their beliefs so that they are the embodiment of WRONG, because everyone knows that if your ideals are incorrect, your existence is false.

Image via Photobucket

Step three: Let them know that what you are saying is triggering you. Psychological disorders are no joke and must be treated by doctors. The serious nature of these mental problems leads to people being extremely sensitive to their disorder or anxiety. This gives you an ample opportunity to take advantage of an array of mental disorders. Take your pick. Go to the Mental Institute of Google to find the best one to work for you. Once you declare your mental state, the other party has no way to refute your claims as they cannot uncover your confidential patient file. It keeps your story safe, and your opponent has to feel sorry for you and concede to your side of the argument. Need an example? Go on the social media site Tumblr and look at any thread with the keyword “trigger.”

Image via Thought Catalog wordpress

Now that you have these handy tips, you can guarantee a victory in any argument you have, whether it be online, family dinner, or class argument!

How To Survive The Coming Zombie Apocalypse 

Dear The Monthly Spew:

What are some ways I can prepare myself for the inevitable zombie apocalypse?
Thanks for a great question! This is an area that is fraught with peril, as there still remain a lot of myths perpetuated by popular media.
First of all, do not store up food and water. This makes you a target. If other people see that you have food and water, they will go, “Hey! Let’s kill that guy and take his stuff!” Instead, find the guy who did store up food and water, kill him, and take his stuff. It’s like the story of the Ant and the Grasshopper. The Ant spent all summer gathering food while the Grasshopper goofed off. Then, when the zombies came, the Grasshopper killed the Ant and took all his stuff. You can’t argue with science.
Also, if you find yourself in a clearing, surrounded by zombies, jump out in the middle and make a lot of noise. This will frighten the zombies away, allowing you plenty of time to escape. 
Finally, whatever you do, never ever ever fall in love with a zombie like the movie Warm Bodies. It’s just a terrible, terrible idea. Like the movie Warm Bodies.
Well that’s all the space I’m allotted to be helpful! If any of our readers have any actual questions they’d like answered, be sure to drop us a line at monthly.spew@gmail.com!

Vin Diesel to Voice Vin Diesel in Furious 8

"I don't have friends... I have Groots."

“I don’t have friends… I have Groots.”

In a surprising announcement, the producers of the Fast and Furious movies have named acclaimed voice-over actor Vin Diesel to voice the character of Dom Toretto in the next installment of the franchise.  Vin Diesel currently heads the franchise, which became watchable in its fifth installment when it added Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson to its cast.  Vin Diesel has also done some very well-regarded voice work in his career, providing the vocals for the Iron Giant in The Iron Giant and Groot in Guardians of the Galaxy.

“We came to the realization that Vin Diesel is just a tremendous talent behind a microphone.  Why that talent never seems to carry over to in front of the camera is something we’re not entirely clear on,” Said one producer in regards to the decision.  Vin Diesel will continue to star in the movies as well; movies which, at this point, are just his own unrealistic power fantasies of beating up on action stars who would normally destroy him such as The Rock and The Jason Statham.  “He’ll still be in front of the camera scowling and flexing his shoulders, but we’ll have him record his dialog in post-production.”

The producers have also promised to take the unprecedented step of having Vin Diesel’s Fast and Furious dialog scripted by an actual writer as opposed to the eight-year old boy who had previously been creating the signature Dom Toretto dialog by pulling random bits of action movie cliches out of a hat.

Password Requirements Drive Man to Suicide

A body turned up in the river yesterday afternoon.  Once the cadaver was removed and given an autopsy it was determined that the body was that of a middle aged man who had died from a fall of great distance.  Once the authorities had identified the man they searched his residence for clues.  What they found was distressing.

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The Futility of the Coming Election

Every four years, we Americans are subjected to the to another pointless election, filled with partisan pandering, shameless mudslinging, boring debates, and of course that one relative you vehemently disagree with but refuses to shut up about it. And once one of these jokers gets elected, they sit around for four years, collecting a taxpayer paycheck, blaming the last guy until it’s time to get re-elected, at which point they may finally get up and do something that isn’t so polarizing that they don’t stand a chance come November.

But there is one who stands apart from the system of futility that has become the identity of our government. I am proud to share with you that Dustin is announcing, not his intention to run for president, but his intention to become our Benevolent Overlord. He intends to do away with our wasteful election system by simply assuming power without an election. All that is required of us, his constituents, is our utter devotion and willing subjugation. Let him guide us into a bright new era of order and prosperity! May he sweep away our many enemies with his great hand!


Basic White Girl Stunned Pumpkin Isn’t a Spice

Image via Poor Man’s Kitchen

Modern times are hard.  When everything you type can be automatically corrected and anything you may ever need to know is seconds away on your smart phone it’s hard for younger people these days to learn and retain information.  Phones have replaced our brains as the place where we store our information.   But still no one was ready for the surprise awaiting Kelly Smith, freshman at North Central Delaware University.

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