The TMS Effect: Scott Walker Drops Out of GOP Presidential Race

Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker speaks to the Illinois Chamber of Commerce Tuesday, April 17, 2012 in Springfield, Ill. Walker says he's using Illinois and its many problems as an argument for keeping him in office. The first-term Republican faces a recall election in June primarily because he restricted union bargaining rights for state employees.  (AP Photo/Seth Perlman)

Despite excellent fear-mongering hands, Scott Walker has dropped out of the GOP race.

TRINIDAD AND TOBAGO — Scott Walker, former front-runner for GOP President* and current Green Bay Packers fan (one assumes), dropped out of the race on Monday.  Sources close to the Wisconsin governor are citing TMS as the leading cause of Walker’s decision to drop out.  In particular they point to an in-depth expose that TMS would have published next week and which would have had inescapable repercussions for the candidate.

Nobody points like this guy.  He was... on point.

Nobody points like this guy. He was… on point.

TMS looked into these allegations and were surprised to discover that we had not prepared any materials on Scott Walker, nor were we currently planning to (we are not a particularly well-organized organization and are frequently surprised both by the things that we have run and the things that we have not run.  We are perpetually in a state of astonishment).  Further research indicates that, by dropping out, Scott Walker preempted our expose and retrofutureactively erased it from the timestream.  Two of our reporters were also erased from existence in order to alleviate the paradox and prevent complete collapse of all reality.  We are continuing our investigation to determine if an alternate timeline was created in which Scott Walker continued to run and we produced a damaging expose on him.  We will keep you informed.

We also urge you to seek the council of a Doctor.

We also urge you to seek the council of a Doctor.

While we are continuing to work out the ramifications of this particular time muckity-muck, we encourage you to review our previous posts about chrono-paradox crises which should be in our archives.  Unless they no longer are.  Keep Polaroids handy of all friends and family and review them periodically for fading.  Be sure to write down all the things that no longer happened to you so that you can refer to your journal in case you forget the things that never happened and which you never had memories of.  And, lastly, be sure to revise your stock holdings based on any information about the future that you may have gained from this experience.

*TMS was recently informed that the race is actually being held to determine which of these clowns will eventually run for President of the United States and not just to be President of the GOP which, we assumed, was some kind of oddly-named school of clowning.


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