Every year I say I want to go to a convention, but until now I have failed to make it to a Comic Con. This year, my birthday request was tickets and my mother-in-law came through with VIP three day passes to see Bruce Campbell. (Thanks Mom!)
There were complications along the way and I missed Friday, but I made sure to snap plenty of pictures to make up for it. Please excuse the quality of some… for whatever reason my camera was intermittently being a turd.
(Here’s a crappy video I shot on my camera turd.) Continue reading
Following a controversial and devastating study linking just about everything you could possibly want to eat to Cancer, The World Health Organization (NASDAQ, WHO -.38) has released a follow up study, one sure to attract its own share of controversy.
“It seems that everyone who has ever had cancer, was, at some point, alive,” said Helmut Dierklemmut, some German guy whose name sounds made up, but is most assuredly a member of the World Health Organization. “This created an inexorable link between the two, a link we couldn’t ignore.”
“It was really shocking,” said Kim Cho, a doctor who participated in the study and is both Korean and a girl. “Regardless of diet, exercise, or lifestyle, the one thing all patients had in common was that they were alive.”
While they haven’t pinpointed the exact link, their consensus is that they are directly and recommend avoiding being alive whenever possible.
“We realize it can be difficult in today’s busy, hectic world,” says Cho, “but if you can slow down and maybe take 10-15 min a day to not be alive, it could save your life.”
The Earth is becoming too dusty, according to a NASA study, and the new dust being made daily has nowhere to go.
"When was the last time you even cleaned?"
Since most dust is made of dead skin, NASA scientists theorized that new dust was being added to the ecosystem daily for thousands of years. Add to that the amount of furniture made from wood over the course of history, and the results are staggering.
“When people dust their homes or even vacuum,” says Dustin Wentz, one of the NASA scientists who authored the study, “they’re just moving dust from one place to another; they aren’t resolving the problem. So all the dust created since the beginning of time is still covering the Earth.”
In addition to all the dust, advances in wind energy are contributing to the problem. “Those giant fans are just blowing the stuff around,” adds Wentz.
With the entire globe in danger of a global Dust Bowl, science has once again provided the solution to an inevitable global environmental catastrophe: Send a giant vacuum into space to clean the dust.
Artist's rendition of NASA's proposal.
“After she’s done vacuuming, she empties that bag into the sun, effectively destroying the excess dust,” Wentz explains of NASA’s proposal. “We intend to tip her generously.”
No ghosts here, people. Just fine products at cheap prices due to some pretty terrible labor regulation.
In a surprise move all Wal-Marts have been declared ghostless by the Ghost Hunters of America Club. This is certainly seen as good news for Wal-Mart’s thousands and thousands of customers, but the company’s shockingly wealthy owners have expressed some ambivalence. That concern seemed to be borne out in after-hours trading as Wal-Mart’s stock took a dip and briefly manifested as a screaming, transparent child. Continue reading
“We might also do an episode about my beard scruff.”
HAGERSTOWN, MY — Famed director Ken Burns has recently announced his next project. After tackling all of the important and interesting bits of American history- from The West, Prohibition, The Civil War, and The War- Kenny is turning his attention to what he now considers to be the only thing left worth talking about: Ken Burns films. Continue reading
Sometimes when I’m bored I will peruse IO sites for games by small or indie developers. It’s a great way to break up the cookie cutter monotony being hocked through Steam, and see what ideas, graphics, controls, etc., are being created by brilliant people who don’t have a huge budget. I have found some enjoyable games this way and I’m often pleasantly surprised by the quality.
On one particular day, however, I stumbled into a slightly stranger than normal corner of the internet. Among the bunnies planting a garden, and heroes trying to solve puzzles, I found a game which proves Internet Rule #34 true. (If you can imagine it, it exists on the internet… as porn.)
Finally! Something is going my way! I hate using words like “luck” or “fortune” given the uncaring, indifferent nature of the universe, but as the vote to decide the future of the Old Abandoned Asbestos Factory at the Edge of Town draws nigh, the last of the walls preventing my proposal from imminent approval have finally collapsed!
“Every American should go out and shoot womprats about this big.”
In his ongoing battle against historians and rationality, Dr. Ben Carson has made yet another statement that is sure to send namby-pampy liberals into hissy fits. As a follow up to his statements about the Holocaust, Dr. Carson expanded his support for everyone everywhere having guns to include the notably pacifistic peoples of Alderaan. As you may recall, Alderaan was long ago destroyed by the Galactic Empire’s so-called “Death Star”.
Lead Researcher Victor Mankini presents his findings. And his gun.
OGUNQUIT, ME — “Researchers” at the National Rifle Association have recently published a study on the efficacy of guns. Not surprisingly, the results were positive for the lobbying arm of gun manufacturers that is the NRA. Many stupid liberals have already decried the results as pandering nonsense and plan a completely ineffectual protest, calling for people to wear beetle-shaped hair pins in their hair at Starbuckses nation-wide. Nobody knows what this is expected to accomplish. Continue reading
What a pleasant looking dude.
Since it’s apparently still Columbus Day, despite growing pressure from Native American groups and their allies to change this pointless holiday honoring one of many Europeans who helped destroy their culture and decimate, enslave, and otherwise oppress their population in order to gain money and power. So rather than go through the laundry list of crimes Columbus committed against indigenous American people and humanity in general (since it has really stopped being a mystery), we’ll just make a list of different people the federal government could honor with a mattress sale.