The petty and vengeful weather system called El Niño has returned to curse this land with unseasonably warm weather and a tragic lack of Christmas snow, but it looks as though the worst is yet to come. According to severe weather enthusiast and meteorologist Reed Timmer, El Niño is likely to produce record sharknados.
“The warm Pacific ocean currents are full of sharks and as they evaporate, they condense into clouds, then precipitate out as sharknados,” Timmer explained. “It’s the water cycle. Dominating.”
According to Wikipedia, the repository for all human knowledge, a sharknado, for ignorant bumpkins whose public school education has failed them and unfortunate purveyors of left-wing liberal news media, is a tornado made of sharks. Sharknados kill approximately 7 sexy coeds every year and are the #1 cause of land-based shark attacks in the world.
But it is because of El Niño’s effect on the climate that will make 2016 a worse year for sharknados. The warm pool of ocean water supercharged thunderstorms with sharks and shoots them across the jetstream, dropping them on Hollywood backlots filled with D-list actors. So what should the average American reading this while on the can do to prepare?
“Titanium umbrellas and chainsaws,” suggests Timmer. “Dominating.”