Survivor Island, Just off the northbound turnpike past the old barn with the horse tied up to that tree where the lightning struck twelve years ago, you can’t miss it — The contestants of the most recent season of Survivor have taken a surprising tactic. Though set up as a generational conflict between Millennial contestants and contestants of the generation which destroyed the American economy, both “tribes” have actually found ways to work together. After weeks of being put through the traditional tortures, tests, and ritualized sacrifices, the contestants formed a single uber-tribe and attacked the nearby production camp. There they found a treasure trove of food, water, medicine, clothing, and other basics goods made by civilization. Continue reading
In the wake of successfully kicking themselves in their own testicles by voting in favor of Brexit, the UK is faced with huge changes. Already Scotland, which voted in large numbers to Remain in the EU is preparing for another independence referendum. Northern Ireland likewise voted to Remain and one can hope they may do the same, leaving Wales and England behind. That gives them the opportunity to rebrand! So, what name should they pick? Here are our top tens! Continue reading
— DECATUR, IL The Fundamentalist group All Kites has recently declared all-out war against drone operators worldwide. The announcement comes after a long period of growing tension between the groups of aerial hobbyists and was accompanied by a wave of kite attacks across the globe.
Gina Torres, the leader of All Kites, appeared in a video announcing the new war. Ms. Torres’ whereabouts remain unknown at this time though she is suspected of operating out of Serenity Valley. “Drones are an abomination against the sky and against all aerial hobbies. We shall not rest until every drone is grounded and the skies are once more filled with kites and balloons.”
Drone operators have begun to report thousands of attacks as they attempt to take selfies of themselves and film their neighbors’ sunbathing trophy wife. Most of the attacks have consisted of dozens of kites suddenly swarming quadcopters and camera drones.
“Honestly they’re not that troubling,” said one drone operator who spoke under condition of anonymity. “The strings are pretty easy to cut if you superglue razor blades to the ends of the rotors. Once we figured out that it was really just a matter of learning to put up with the sounds of children crying because you ruined their kites. I remember this one bald loser of a kid who just wouldn’t stop. Eventually I had to promise to hold a football for him while he kicked it. Then I pulled it away and he fell on his ass! What a loser!”
Gina Torres has promised that All Kites will not rest and that this first wave of attacks is only the beginning. Her organization is already reaching out to other fundamentalist groups in their fight against drones. “We’ve had our own battles against the hot air balloonists and the Macy’s Parade but we’re going to put that behind us for now. The unholy scourge of drones must be ended.” After promising that All Kites would adapt and spread Mrs. Torres had one last chilling promise, “You can’t take the sky from me.”
George RR Martin is declining to comment on a huge new theory about his long-running and hugely successful book series A Song of Ice and Fire and its TV adaptation Game of Thrones. The theory posits that Westeros is actually a post-apocalyptic Earth, one which describes the fate of a Trump-led America.
The central thesis of the theory posits that the Wall, guarded by the Night’s Watch, is actually the remnants of the wall Donald Trump has idiotically proposed to build along America’s southern border.
Though this completely turns the Wall’s origin (per the books) on its head, there is precedent for not trusting the textual evidence at face value. The inhabitants of Westeros’s Seven Kingdoms don’t always know their own history and much of it may in fact be little more than myths. It is not impossible to believe that the original purpose of the Wall has been lost in the thousands of years since its construction.
According to the theory, after Trump’s presidential victory and construction of the Wall, America inevitably descended into anarchy and chaos. The descendants of Trumpmerica became what the Seven Kingdoms know as Wildlings. This theory argues that such a descent into barbarism likely took about a month under Trump’s deranged rule. Those nations that would eventually become the Seven Kingdoms of A Song and Ice and Fire, recognized the danger and began manning Trump’s Wall themselves, turning it into a bastion against the orange maniac’s failed state.
Over the centuries the land that had once been the United States of America became a devastated and empty wasteland divided up by warring clans and tribes. The White Walkers, again according to this theory, are actually direct descendants of the clearly inhuman Trump himself.
DOLLYWOOD, TN — Speaking from a podium carved from rocks stolen from the set of The Martian, Matt Damon recently announced that there were plans for a new trilogy of Jason Bourne movies in the works. There is already a new Bourne movie (boringly titled ‘Jason Bourne’) scheduled for 2016 release, but this new trilogy will start after that release. The title for the first of the new trilogy is ‘Bourne: In a Barn’.
Everywhere you look, people continue to bash the Oscars for their lack of diversity this year. While racial tensions remain high, there is one issue that no one seems to be addressing. No one except for Mark Hamill that is.
“I don’t understand how it happened. If my performance in Episode VII didn’t get me an award for Best Actor in a Leading Role, then what did it get me?” Hamill commented when he stopped by the Spider Crimes office. “People keep saying, Mark you were only in the movie for like 90 seconds. And I keep saying, ‘Exactly!’”
Hamill claims that moviegoers today fail to appreciate his ability to tell a story with only his eyes. Additionally, he mentioned that The Martian could have benefited from this type of ocular communication. “All I’m saying is why did Matt Damon even speak? Completely unnecessary if you ask me. He’s a total…
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INTERCOURSE, PA — TIME Inc, the company that owns all the magazines in your dentist’s office that you used to browse listlessly through before smartphones existed, has recently completed the purchase of MySpace. Many insiders were confused by TIME Inc’s purchase of the decrepit property, but in hindsight MySpace seems like the perfect internet purchase for a print media company to make so that it doesn’t have to die alone. Today, in a move sure to shake up the blogosphere, TIME Inc announced that they intend to turn MySpace into a cinematic mega-franchise built on the 1993 classic movie Homeward Bound. Continue reading
“85% of all known Rings of Power are currently controlled by the top 1% of evil Maiar!” proclaimed Senator and Secret Wizard Bernie Sanders at his latest campaign rally in Iowa. “Also by Dragons,” he added after the crowd corrected him. “You are all right, Dragons did eat the seven dwarven Rings. But the issue remains clear! The billionaire class and the Dark Lord continue to hold a monopoly on Rings of Power that is destroying the Middle Class of Middle Earth!” Continue reading
Star Wars: The Force Awakens is already a cultural juggernaut that has made more money in three weeks than the economies of three random countries whose names you don’t know. It is one of the funnest, most thrilling, and enjoyable movies that I have seen all year. It is also a derivative, plot hole-riddled, illogical travesty. It is the Star Wars movie we all wanted following the Prequels, but it will end up being remembered as one of the least-satisfying and most aggravating movie in the entire saga. Continue reading