TMS Reads The Stars: Horoscopes

Horoscope wheel chart

Basically voodoo

None of us at TMS are certified horologists, which means we are equally as qualified to give you life advice based on astrological hokum as anyone else!  Find out what the stars have in mind for you today!  Did you know that Wolf 359 really hates people born in January?  Crazy, right? Continue reading

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Hank Pym and Tony Stark are the Entitled Assholes of the MCU!

More like Jerk Supreme if you ask me..

More like Jerk Supreme if you ask me…

I recently saw Ant-Man.  Good film, excellent addition to the MCU and its push to take superhero movies in new directions.  I enjoyed that they turned it into a heist movie and thought Paul Rudd did a great job.  I also loved Michael Douglas in the role of an elderly, retired Hank Pym who had history with Tony Stark’s dad, old-school SHIELD, and the continually-fantastic Hayley Atwell’s Agent Carter.  But what was maddening was that it continued the tradition of focusing on an amazing technological breakthrough that has to be kept out of the public at all costs.  Hank Pym and Tony Stark are both brilliant scientists and developers that are keeping miraculous scientific advancements from being able to change the world for the better. Continue reading

HGTV’s Property Brothers Responsible for 85% of Married Womens’ Affair Fantasies… and 54% of Mens’ According to New Study

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Statistically, at least one of the Property Brothers has fantasized about the other. Which is super weird.

COLCHESTER, VT — Scientists at the University of Vermont, assuming that there is such a place, recently published a study on the daydreaming habits of married couples.  Specifically they focused on determining who people in marriages tend to have “affair-related fantasies” or ARFs about.  In a study of 10,003 marriages, the researchers found a dramatic pattern that held firm across all other factors.  It seems that despite age, race, wealth, or length of marriage the vast majority of married women have repeated ARFs about the Property Brothers.  Further, the study found that a majority of married men also have Property Brother-related ARFs.

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Cthulhu’s Corner: On the Dubious ‘Honor’ of Having a Chunk of Pluto Named After Me

I'm not one to brag, but at least mine is bigger, Tolkien.

I’m not one to brag, but at least mine is bigger, Tolkien.

Mankind has spent the past week clapping itself on its collective, metaphorical back for their ability to lob a piano-sized apparatus of metal and plastics a few measly billion miles across its lone solar system and getting a few snapshots of Pluto- by which I mean Yuggoth.  In an obvious bit of appeasement, the “scientists” at NASA quickly named one of the blurry features of this remote ice-ball ‘Cthulhu’.  I suppose I am expected to feel flattered by this and forswear devouring their sanity when the stars are once again aright?  Well I think not, sir!

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Desperate Scientists Frantically Searching For Cure For Summertime Blues

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The fan was nice, but he talked too much.

Still early into July and hospitals are being flooded with thousands of confirmed cases of Summertime Blues, a condition marked by ennui, lethargy, extreme fatigue, sweating, and baritone singing. Most cases are being exacerbated by record heat, extended work hours, and some hilarious third factor. As hundreds of these cases are becoming terminal, doctors and scientists are working to find an elusive cure.

“It would be great to hit the beach, maybe play yacht chicken with some of my doctor friends,” said Dr. Greg Rudolpho, MD. “But people are suffering and I’ve taken an oath to protect pharmaceutical companies, and if my work can funnel money to their research, then I don’t mind making my nurses work a few extra hours.”

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Things are tough all over.

Unfortunately, the drug companies are stumped as well, unable to find a suitable cocktail to stave off the effects of the crippling condition.
“Yeah, we totally have a cure,” said one representative of the prescription drug industry who asked to remain anonymous. “Cancer, too. In fact, there aren’t many things we haven’t cured. But if McDonald’s sold a burger that you only have to eat once and never have to eat again, they’d be bankrupt in a week. We prefer return business. Wait, are you recording this?”

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Drugs are bad, m'kay?

Yes, it seems a cure for the Summertime Blues is a long way off and hundreds of people are going to die this summer, despite the best efforts of the experts in the field of medicine.

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We Ranked The Numbers 1-10! The Results Will Blow Your Mind Into Splinters of Mind-Stuff!

TMS adores The Count.

We all love numbers, but we all also know that not all numbers are equal.  There are some numbers that we hold dear, that we value much more highly than other numbers.  but these judgments are all intrinsically flawed and subjective to the personal whims and preferences of the rater.  Well at TMS we don’t hold no truck with subjectivity.  No truck at all!  That’s why we’ve created a definitive ranking of the numbers 1 through 10.  Put your arguments to rest people; once again we’ve fixed the problem you were all too cowardly to discuss!

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The Surprising Way You’re Killing Your Beloved Pet

A new study being published indicates that pets whose owners share their pictures online are living proportionately shorter lives.

“Pwease, pwease, don’t wet me die.”

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Neil deGrasse Tyson, Avid TMS Follower, Stops By to Talk GMOs, Bees, and Pluto

Host Neil DeGrasse Tyson participates in FOX's

Neil dGrasse Tyson stops by for an interview. And a cupcake. (Photo by Frank Micelotta/Invision for FOX/AP Images)

Neil deGrasse Tyson is a renowned astrophysicist, science educator, Seth Macfarlane partner-haver, and runner of planetariums.  He is also, it seems, a keen follower of TMS.  He dropped by our office today, completely unannounced during our lunch break for an interview.  After we got past the annoyance of unannounced guests who steal the last cupcake from the break room while we’re getting the interview chamber set up just for them, we sat down for a conversation about some of our recent coverage.

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Monsanto GMO Corn Linked to Hundreds of Murders

Worried farmers inspect their corn for signs of developing sentience and bloodlust. Image via Library of Congress.

Worried farmers inspect their corn for signs of developing sentience and bloodlust.
Image via Library of Congress.

GATLIN, NE — Look out across the prairies of Nebraska and Iowa and you’ll seen endless fields of green corn.  Or snow.  Or wheat or alfalfa or just dirt.  But generally, there is corn.  For roughly 500 years* the people of these states have been growing corn and feeding the nation and fueling its cars.  But a new menace seems to have arisen from this normally most harmless of crops: a strain of Genetically Modified Organism (GMO) hunter-killer corn that walks between the rows of its docile brethren, ambushing and slaughtering any non-Monsanto-branded humans that it finds.

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