— DECATUR, IL The Fundamentalist group All Kites has recently declared all-out war against drone operators worldwide. The announcement comes after a long period of growing tension between the groups of aerial hobbyists and was accompanied by a wave of kite attacks across the globe.
Gina Torres, Prophet of All Kites
Gina Torres, the leader of All Kites, appeared in a video announcing the new war. Ms. Torres’ whereabouts remain unknown at this time though she is suspected of operating out of Serenity Valley. “Drones are an abomination against the sky and against all aerial hobbies. We shall not rest until every drone is grounded and the skies are once more filled with kites and balloons.”
Drone operators have begun to report thousands of attacks as they attempt to take selfies of themselves and film their neighbors’ sunbathing trophy wife. Most of the attacks have consisted of dozens of kites suddenly swarming quadcopters and camera drones.
“Honestly they’re not that troubling,” said one drone operator who spoke under condition of anonymity. “The strings are pretty easy to cut if you superglue razor blades to the ends of the rotors. Once we figured out that it was really just a matter of learning to put up with the sounds of children crying because you ruined their kites. I remember this one bald loser of a kid who just wouldn’t stop. Eventually I had to promise to hold a football for him while he kicked it. Then I pulled it away and he fell on his ass! What a loser!”
Some drone operators have taken to attaching guard dogs to their drones to protect against kite and balloon attacks.
Gina Torres has promised that All Kites will not rest and that this first wave of attacks is only the beginning. Her organization is already reaching out to other fundamentalist groups in their fight against drones. “We’ve had our own battles against the hot air balloonists and the Macy’s Parade but we’re going to put that behind us for now. The unholy scourge of drones must be ended.” After promising that All Kites would adapt and spread Mrs. Torres had one last chilling promise, “You can’t take the sky from me.”
The Fundamentalist Aerial Hobbyist group ‘All Kites’ launches one of their signature mass attacks.
Some presidential candidates would have you believe this year’s election is about immigration or gun control. Those candidates are wrong. Bernie Sanders knows exactly what you want to see changed in this country, and he’s ready to talk about the important issues.
Obama’s Secret Bee Army:
Why Kids Love Cinnamon Toast Crunch:
Cauliflower Mashed Potatoes:
By contrast, here are Trump’s thoughts:
As Russia bombs the crap out of whomever they darn well please, the US is beginning to look like that bro that doesn’t want to party (dude, bro. Brooooo…) Continue reading
“Every American should go out and shoot womprats about this big.”
In his ongoing battle against historians and rationality, Dr. Ben Carson has made yet another statement that is sure to send namby-pampy liberals into hissy fits. As a follow up to his statements about the Holocaust, Dr. Carson expanded his support for everyone everywhere having guns to include the notably pacifistic peoples of Alderaan. As you may recall, Alderaan was long ago destroyed by the Galactic Empire’s so-called “Death Star”.
Years after his disappearance after the passage of the Keene Act the masked vigilante known as Hooded Justice has re-emerged… to run for President.
Despite excellent fear-mongering hands, Scott Walker has dropped out of the GOP race.
TRINIDAD AND TOBAGO — Scott Walker, former front-runner for GOP President* and current Green Bay Packers fan (one assumes), dropped out of the race on Monday. Sources close to the Wisconsin governor are citing TMS as the leading cause of Walker’s decision to drop out. In particular they point to an in-depth expose that TMS would have published next week and which would have had inescapable repercussions for the candidate. Continue reading
When a group of teenagers sat down at their ouija board late last week they did not expect to receive the news they did.
MILITIA, TX — Standing proudly over the recently conquered land of Texas, a high-ranking member of the US Army recently declared a victorious end to the controversial Operation Jade Helm. “Thanks to the tireless efforts of our Special Forces and our Obama’s Secret Bee Army, as well as the corporate support of Wal-Mart, we have brought the dangerous Republic of Texas to heel. We can hereby declare that Texas is no longer an independent nation, but is, in fact, reduced to a mere province of our powerful federal government!”
It’s widely known that conservatives are out for mainly one thing, themselves. Help the poor? Nah. Save the planet for future generations? Nah. Give people the freedom to live their lives freely without persecution for their lifestyle or beliefs? Nah. I’ve got me to think about in this exact moment, screw anyone else in any other time. This is the mindset of the right, so it’s no surprise that staunch conservatives have plead for a wall along the US/Mexican border since we stole Texas and California from the Mexicans and the rest of the southwest from the Native Americans. And one such group of nut-jobs have finally announced their latest plan for building the proposed wall.
Kim Davis, Kentucky County Clerk who made headlines for being arrested because she refused to do her job or resign her post for contentious objections is now being forced to marry another woman in jail despite her objections to same-sex marriage.
“This isn’t a punishment by the Federal or state governments,” explained Fred Marshal, one of the federal marshals who arrested Davis. “This is part of the prison social system. It’s really for her own protection. Unless she wants shanked in the cafeteria or shived in the yard, she needs to become someone’s girlfriend.”
When asked why guards and staff allowed this to continue to unwilling participants, Marshal continued. “It’s part of their sincerely-held belief that ‘fresh meat’ remember their place at the bottom of the pecking order. We can’t interfere with that.”
Maureen Shoenauer, a representative of the American Civil Liberties Union, disagrees. “Kim Davis broke the law and belongs in jail,” said Shoenauer. “But it’s a violation of her rights as a prisoner to be forced to marry anyone to whom she does not want to enter into a legal bond with.”
“Grisly Susan, the inmate who performed the ceremony is a duly ordained ship’s captain,” Marshal pointed out. “It’s all legally binding.”
The couple will be honeymooning in the rec yard and are registered for cigarettes and toilet wine.