The internet lit up in the days following the Super Bowl this year as Peyton Manning’s less talented but more attractive brother looked on listlessly as Peyton and the Denver Broncos bent the Carolina Panthers over their knee and gave them a good, old-fashioned NFL spanking.
Following a lackluster showing against a 3-and-5 Kansas City Chiefs and returning injuries, it seems everyone thinks Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning is ready to retire. At the ripe old age of 39 (147 in quarterback years), some feel he is too old and wrinkly to play professional sports other than shuffleboard and are being very vocal about it. But, like Manning himself, the old jokes have outlived their usefulness.
NASHVILLE, TN — Just two days after sweeping the collective heart of America up into a love of all things equine that they haven’t experienced since reading Black Stallion in the fifth grade, it seems that American Pharoah will have his Triple Crown revoked. The 3-year old horse captured the nation’s imagination by running really fast around a track while carrying a small man on his back, running faster than all the other horses (who were, to be fair, also carrying small men on their backs). American Pharoah succeeded in winning all three of the three races that make up the Triple Crown: The Kentucky Derby (the only time that people drink mint juleps without feeling like idiots), the Preakness Stakes (which is routinely ignored like the middle child that it is), and the Belmont Stakes (which people only care about if a single horse has already won the two previous events). The Triple Crown is considered one of the most difficult challenges in all of sportsing and has not been won for 37 years. All of that makes the revocation of American Pharoah’s award all the more disheartening.
STING’S HOUSE BOAT, TAN PENIS ISLAND — In the wake of the massive corruption scandal that surprised no one, vindicated fake news caster John Oliver, and allowed FIFA president Sepp Blatter to win re-election to his feathered nest, FIFA has announced a major new change. Citing the massively lucrative bribery market and world demand, FIFA is planning to move to holding the World Cup once every year instead of every four years.
YORBA LINDA, CA — Faced with the existential despair of his own inevitable death, NBA Commissioner Adam Silver has started making bold and, some would say, foolish moves to revitalize a sport that few people care about. Citing declining ticket sales, the collapse of regular TV contracts, and the advice of his horologist Mr. Silver has announced that starting next season the NBA playoffs will be expanded to the include the entirety of regular season play.
15 years after the Monthly Spew’s initial conception, we are proud to announce that for the first time, our publication has reached beyond the shores of the United States to reach its first-ever international audience! We would love to thank our readers in Italy, Peru, Canada, United Kingdom, Myanmar, Spain, and all around the world for making this come true! To celebrate the occasion, we thought it’d be nice for us to talk about something that can unite us all: Soccer!
Yes, soccer! That exciting and not at all confusing sport that is loved the world over! What better way to make our new audience feel welcome than by speaking a language we all understand!
Well, soccer began when people outside the U.S. became confused by American football. “It doesn’t make any sense,” they said. “Why is it called football when they are allowed to catch it and carry it with their hands?”
Frustrated by the nomenclature, the rest of the world collaborated to create a new game that made more sense. With the new, “feet-only” rule in place, they found the oblong ball was less than ideal for just kicking, and that the pads and helmets were too heavy to run in. The ball was changed to a sphere and the heavy uniforms were shed, but the goalposts still required refinement. They were lowered to the field to make them more accessible and given a net to prevent the ball from rolling away. Thus, Soccer was born!
In a press release early this morning basketball great Michael Jordan announced his retirement from retirement. ‘I’ve accomplished everything I wanted to in the world of professional retirement.’ he said ‘It’s time for me to pursue retirement of other interests. I’m off the injured list and ready for inaction.’
Former Nebraska Cornhusker star running back, NFL footnote, and all around stellar role model is suspected of murdering his cellmate. In prison. So let’s remind people first of why Phillips is in prison: For beating his girlfriend, stealing her car, and basic awfullness. Also, he tried to run over some kids on a playground after they beat him in a pickup game of football. Total class act, no doubt. Now he’s suspected of murdering his cellmate. Why? Because he’s a brutally violent idiot whose one talent for football apparently wasn’t enough to keep him out of jail? Yes. BUT, also because Aaron Hernandez is about to go to jail too? Maybe Phillips is planning some kind of crazy Odd Couple/Oz-style reality show about the two of them together? We may never know. I mean, we’ll know if that show shows up on Bravo or MTV or something but barring that actually happening, its unlikely that we’ll get the motive behind Phillips’ most recent bout of violent idiocy. One other sadness about this whole thing is that the guy Hernandez was just found guilty of murdering was named Odin. There aren’t nearly enough people in the world named Odin, and I just found out that there’s now one less such individual.
But seriously, how crazy would it be if they ended up together?